The Prime Minister

Dated: 7th Sept, 2001

“The important thing is to take part in a contest”, my lecturer had said. I did. He even said, “The essential thing is to win.” I did. But the magnitude of difference between the average contests that I had taken part in and won, and this one was so large that me feelings and the sense of elation might as well have been on the moon. The victory – now that I have created he atmosphere, I might as well get on with it – gave me the most enviable and coveted position – certainly not on the moon – that any man in this country would give a year’s salary to taste the essence of power, the luxuries of the world – after all, the elite belongs to the elite – the best of the hotels, cooks, and more importantly, the freedom to whiplash the erring and the brute, and get back none in response! But I had no intention of putting my tongue to degrading expletives and unprintable invectives for I had a good schooling. Rather I believed soft words broke hard hearts. Also, I am a man of no violence: physical or verbal. And I had been taught that a flawless leader was one who should follow his followers. Still, the fact that a billion people will do as you told them to, gives a heady feeling even to the few healthy ones alive, though the interests of one and all is to be the life and breath of one’s living. But, yes, it was great to be the Prime Minister of India.

There was so much to do, so much to change. I called all my ministers and succinctly told them all I expected from them. Even as jaws started dropping – I believe shock is best expressed when news comes without preamble and any expectation – I told them of my preconceived notion of cutting their salary by half and stripping them off all their free allowances. “Enough living in Heaven”, I told them. “Now live like how people under you live.” While shock was just chameleoning into controlled hostility and who-the-hell-did-we-elect attitude, I assured them that they would have it all back in installments proportionate to the positive achievements in their respective departments. As a follower, I cut my own salary to just live-able and told them so, and it was then that they realized I was just not any other Prime Minister.

The move to levy heavy taxes on giant firms was opposed by thousands but was agreed by millions when I assured the bourgeois a better standard of living. The Bill passed, and sure enough, to live up to my words, I had roads constructed at least-expected but most-required places and all the existing roads were made to satisfy the European standards, thereby effecting a marked decrease in importing of petroleum products, while simultaneously the offenders of traffic signals and signs were severely reprimanded. Also an order was issued that new buildings must be constructed where all slum-dwellers must be shifted to. Within months, the number of slums in the country decreased to a bare minimum.

I introduced a sufficient amount of public transportation system and a stringent law of ‘No Standing’ aboard a mobile bus. Similarly, arrack and smoking industries were banned, taking cue from what they themselves said that their products were injurious to health. Some of the employers were educated with basic skills of medicine to cater to the under-privileged in a host of heretofore-neglected villages. After all, they, the employers, were the people most eligible to take away sufferings from people, when they in the first place, were candidates to have caused them.

I scrapped a mission to send astronauts to mars to check on ETs. “Take care of people here first,” I snapped. “Then think of other planets.” I hence put the massive amount of money saved to educational institutions. (The Gods were on my side: no calamities ever occurred during my term. But then, God helps those who help themselves!) I made it a point to see to it that the money I had sanctioned was the money received to the end party, without any slip-offs in between at the numerous tables. Anybody dealing with bribes were fired and punished. Competition gradually grew amongst the people and corruption started seeing the sunset. People started enjoying themselves and life stopped being a pure, unadulterated hell as the wheels of the industry moved swiftly and efficiently.

I had been observant over the years that while a part of the country had floods, the other part was in constant drought. So I saw to it that pipes were laid appropriately to convert flood water to potable water in the drought-hit areas. Researchers were encouraged to convert salt-filled-sea-water to potable too. Within months, there was no dearth of water in any part of the country.

I introduced ‘No Fail’ policy where students never failed. This reduced the tension and anxiety of the gay and blossom years of a child. Results showed: the number of students committing suicides decreased. If they got less marks, they deserved a lesser fashionable job and contrarily, they ended up being VIPs if they fell on the good side of the percentages. No point in failing the lesser intellects, idling them off a year. Surely they will be good in something that might as well be a boon to the country. Memory-based exams were discarded and application-based approaches were encouraged.

I bridged the gap between the rich and the poor. No point in giving one software professional a 30K salary while four cable laying men got 5K each. Both the jobs are equally important. Why not share the 50k equally by all the five? Because of this policy, the rich did not get richer and the poor did not get poorer. National Income Rate improved.

Police forces improved, by recruiting the unemployed million. Constables were given bikes instead of cycles and rifles were replaced by Peacemaker Colts. Hardened criminals were executed: the lesser the population the better! Punishment became unbearable for the tough ones and scope for atonement was provided for the amateurs. Burglaries and other criminal activities, hence, turned its nose up and went for an evening stroll, never to return.

Polluting vehicles were seen to, trees were planted at all possible places, tourism thrived, spitting was banned in public places, sufficient and clean rest rooms were placed at appropriate places, manpower was utilized, natural resources were tapped and peace and harmony prospered everywhere. NRIs itched to come back. India stopped being a place to get out of. Reports flowed in, that it came under the Top Fifty nations of the globe. It was heaven in India.

I was praised by one and all. I had done my bit to the country. “Not only live and let live, but live and help live.” Half of the citizens praised me, while the other half belonged to the group that calls itself ‘The Critics’ who cursed whatever anybody did. I stopped being the PM just about the time I started receiving death threats, when my intercom buzzed. I tried to press it off, but felt my hands touch an alarm clock. I was even more obfuscated when my eyes opened. I looked around me. Suddenly I was transported to the mind and body and soul of a 22-year-old ambitious, handicapped and imaginative boy that I was. Dreamland, I reflected, had its own weird illogicality.

I got up groggily and thought over the number of companies I had applied to for a job. Who gives a job for a once-upon-a-time failed candidate, I wondered? The accident which had made me to fail in one of the 400-odd examinations that a student takes before getting a job was caused due to an unmarked speed-breaker on a calm road. The resulting handicap prevented me from getting a respectable job.

I got the morning newspaper. I could have closed my eyes and narrated the headlines: Militants kill innocent people; constables’ futile pursuit in bicycles and rifles while gang speeds away in a Ford and Mauser; PM having time-pass talks with another leader; hike in MPs salary for doing a great job: first throwing chairs and then walking out of the Parliament in session; a convicted person wins election in a small town; villagers dying because of lack of food; Food rotting in storage houses as Government undecided about disbursement; smoking causes lung cancer – as if we did not know 2 plus 2 is 4; roof-topped buses nose-diving into waterless rivers because of poor construction of the bridges; bribes to get license as well as death certificate; pollution; felling of trees; robbers having a field day – and by chance, if caught, out the very next day by an act called bribe, oops, bail ; a true story about a man having 3 6-digit worth cars and his gardener’s house having no proper roof; a mission to Mars and so it went on. It ended with a report that said that floods and drought at different parts of the country would continue for the next 3 months for the 3rd consecutive year.

It is so nice to dream that which can never happen…